Cows & Confusion

Although I doubt this is where the real credit goes, I give this photo credit to the blog I found it on. This is a funny blog post about driving in India and is worth a quick read for a few laughs. 

Funny story time:

Listening to a sermon recently, I had a comical miscommunication. The man was preaching in English and his sermon was being translated into Hindi, which was especially painful to listen to on this day, because he wasn't giving the translator enough time to speak before he continued on. It’s like watching a verbal ping pong match. I hit a point of real misunderstanding and got totally lost.  I kept hearing him say something to the effect of  “is your life full of cows and confusion?” “everywhere you look, is there cows and confusion?” I responded in my mind “yes, I see cows and confusion everywhere, but where are you going with this?”  I finally leaned over to Kit for clarification and he explained that he was actually asking if we see 'CHAOS and confusion' in our life. "Oh! Yes, to that too!" I replied. Both literally and figuratively, I see cows, choas, and confusion all the day long (even in church).

Speaking of chaos...

It's the end of  'one of those weeks' that just couldn't end soon enough. The kind that offered daily encounters and situations pushing me to either laughter or tears. Most days I was able to laugh things off, or at least hold in the tears and suppress the full extent of my frustrations in front of my kids. But in all honesty, it was only by the grace of God that I was able to juggle my load and live to talk about it. It was the kind of week when I could have used an espresso IV rather than the 2 cups of blah coffee, reheated 10 times over. 

It went something like this: my husband was gone most of the week, we had someone staying with us (someone who does not speak the same language as me and who was under the weather),  I had to manage taking two of my kiddos to/from school each day, homeschooling the older two while out and about (because it's too far to drive back home), AND care for my nine month old (who is ready to take on the world of mobility). On top of the daily responsibilities, we had Dr. visits, an embarrassing incident of running out of gas on the highway (on a day when the heat index was 109 degrees), a nearly completely flat tire, a massive rat invading my pantry every night (leaving presents for me to clean up in the morning) and to top it all off, my super sweet and docile baby is cutting another tooth, which means lots of abnormal screaming and difficulty sleeping. And for some reason, all five kiddos and my guest were hungry every few hours. 

YET, we survived! As much as I hate feeling like I am still in survival mode-- learning to be a mom to five kiddos, managing my home and kids when my husband travels (it used to be SO much easier!) and living as an expat in a culture vastly different from my own--- it's true...we just aren't 'there' yet. I am learning a whole new kind of contentment. Not to be confused with complacency, which would not hold fast to a vision for a day when we can 'thrive' again. True contentment recognizes the circumstances the Lord has given me, in light of the liberties and limitations accompanied by those circumstances, and the dependency on the Lord that is necessary to press on. Accepting that the load He has given me to carry is not more than I can bare, with His help. 

I may have had a mild pity party over the fact that we are not yet 'thriving' after being 'back' in S. Asia for 4 months already. I mean 'come on! when will I get our act together?' But my sweet husband, who was thankfully not in the same place of discouragement as me, reminded me of the truth which I can so easily forget in the nitty gritty of 'today'. He said, "It's for your sanctification and God's glory!" Ok, I can easily receive the sanctification bit, as I know it's only when we are pressed hat we have the opportunity to have our character refined...but for God's glory? How could a rat in my pantry be for His glory? How can drowning in housework, drenched in sweat, relationship challenges, or unproductive homeschool outings be for HIS glory? Honestly, this week felt like a whole lot of failures, with not many wins to speak of. I don't share this to belly-ache, but to be real. My life is not all glowing grins and breezy rickshaw rides that are shown on Instagram. (Although my kids do have beautiful smiles and rickshaws are way better than gas-less cars turned sauna:)

So where's the glory? While I don't have all the answers, here are a few He has shown me in the midst of all the Chaos this week. His glory is found in the thankful hearts of myself and my kids, as we pass shoeless kids selling balloons on the street while driving to school each day. We thanked him for the privilege and blessing that we get to go to school and we get to homeschool. We praised Him for sending a rickshaw to our aid, just as the car was starting to get unbearably hot on the side of the road. For dear friends who would drop whatever they are doing to bring us gasoline (or fix a flat), help watch our kids, and even bring us water and snacks. I got to point out how God was being our refuge and strength, our ever present help in times of trouble (a song we have been singing recently) when He helped us get to the ATM, the gas station, and a tire repair spot with a very flat tire and a near empty tank. I got to hear my son pray for his dad to do his work this week by God's power not by his own, just as Moses did. I had several opportunities to confess my sin and selfishness to my kids and ask for forgiveness. IF those are the only ways He was glorified during this tough week, then it was worth it. My kids getting to see that scripture is relevant, that God is enough, that He is good, that we can and should always turn to Him in times of trouble and times of blessing...it makes all the sweat, the rat size holes in my pantry food, the disappointments, the stress and fatigue worth it. I hope and pray that in the midst of whatever circumstances you face today your heart with yield to his sanctifying works, and your eyes will be open to see His glory revealed. 

First Birthday... Ever

Shortly after Jeremiah and Tirzah came home, we had Hudson's birthday and then their dad's. Since then, they've been asking non-stop when their "happy birthday" is. When I asked her what kind of birthday she wanted and what kind of cake, without hesitation, she said she wanted a Princess Sofia party with a purple cake, yellow frosting and 'fire' on top. After months of counting down, Tirzah's finally came (thankfully Jeremiah's is soon after!) A week before her birthday, she and I were having one of our many outings to the hospital and during our chai break she exclaimed, "mom you know it's my first birthday ever!?!" Now, if the excitement and joy behind that statement doesn't make your heart want to burst, nothing will!

And making it extra special, was a surprise visit from grandpa! The day before he came, she lamented to me, "mom, I want my happy birthday to be in America. I only have one friend in India." So the surprise visit from grandpa coinciding with her birthday was very welcomed!

After only being home 5 months, her English is really great! I am so excited I could do a birthday interview with her. She understood every question and answered with much excitement. She LOVES to talk and tell people what she thinks. Enjoy getting to know our sweet girl a little better...
How old are you? "4"
How does it feel to be 4? "fine"
Did you have a good birthday? "yes"
What was your favorite thing about your birthday? "my big sophia so I can play with her hair and make something on her hair."
Who is your best friend? "Abigail"
What is your favorite thing to do? "ask for dessert and eat corn and chicken and pepperoni pizza and watch Sophia TV. And eat biscuits and play outside riding the bike in rain. And my dad sings for me at night time. And my mom let me have dessert...that's all I like."
What do you miss about Kinshasa? "Jasmine and Vicki" "and Gracia and Divine"
What makes you the happiest? "mommy and daddy and my brothers Jackson and Hudson and Jeremiah and Deacon."
What do you miss about America? "my family, Sarah, and Noah"
When you grow up, what do you want to be? "A king...a queen!"
What do you like to do with mommy? "play with your hair and do exercise with you and you and me lay day and you read book for me and sing song."
What is your favorite color? "yellow and purple"
Do you like living in India? "yeah"
What do you like about India? "swimming at hotel and eat at hotel and go play outside with my brother and go run with my mom."
What is the most important thing you have learned in life so far? "God, colors, know God and I don't know."
What is your nickname? "chusa, messy moo, sweetie, and babe and you are my baby! That's what you call me, right? And honey."
What is your favorite book? "my sophia book I got for my happy birthday and 'That Sam I Am, that Sam I am' and my sophia stickers book, and that book that my mom is gonna come soon and I can't sleep." (The Best Family in the World)
Do you think you'll ever get married? "Yeah, I gonna marry a king."
Do you want to have kids? "Yeah, I want to have Sophia."
Are you scared of anything? "yeah. I was scary of bad guy. No, I don't scare, my God is with me! I don't scare with anything, God can help me! I not afraid of everything, my God is with me. He can move him away! I am afraid of snakes too. I am afraid of big, big snake!"
If you had a whole day to do whatever you want, what would you do? "um, obey my parents? I gonna get dessert by myself and obey my mom and go in a car and buy something for all of us and go play outside by myself and go upstairs and lay on my bed and play with mommy's phone."

Here are a few pics of her special day:

Our little princess

Mommy and her princess

Tirzah and her sweet friends

Deacon and Jackson 

Princess Grandpa! Tirzah told him when we were eating out one afternoon, "Grandpa, you know I love you?"

Hudson being silly

Enjoying their Pepperoni pizza and corn-her favorites! 

Tirzah helped me make her purple cake with yellow frosting.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

I have always claimed to, but in my heart I often doubted that they still exist today. I could accept that God healed people of their illnesses but assumed He usually did that through modern medicine. I had a lot to learn on the subject and still do. The more I walk with the Lord, the more I realize how much I have to learn. If Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, then I need to draw more closely to Him to have these things revealed to me more fully. To our displeasure, the path to closeness with the Lord is often found deep in arduous valley. It’s never an easy road, yet that is the very reason we are forced to step out of the trivial concerns of our day to day life and into matters of eternity. It’s there that we find total dependence on the one who is able to meet our deepest desires, comfort our hurts, and while doing so, give us a glimpse of His glory. It’s that ‘hope of glory’ that keeps us pressing on, choosing day in and day out to trust Him and trust that His plans for us are good. And when the valley is longer and deeper than we imagined it would be, he gives us little glimpses along the way to give us the endurance we need to press on.

Those little glimpses and reassurances of His love for us and His power are what kept me going during the last three years of adopting Jeremiah and Tirzah into our family. The hope He gave me did not disappoint (Rom. 5:5). 5 months after their arrival home, I am still in awe of His goodness and the miracles He did to get them home. I could list out a ton of miracles He performed throughout this process- some seemingly small, some big- and I am not even aware of them all. He gave us knowledge of some of them so we could see how He does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. He gave us just what  we needed so we could keep pressing on in those dark hours when all hope seemed lost. When we were at our darkest hours, He spoke clearly to us through the word, through a friend’s prayers over us, through seemingly coincidental connections with people that turned out to be providential. The Spirit of God reached down to us and met our deepest needs, while teaching us to walk in faith and trust.

If I had my prayers answered right away and things had worked out in my timing, I would not know to the fullness that I know now, the peace that comes from walking by faith and not by sight. I would not yet have the confidence I have in my God who is able to do far more abundantly all that I can imagine. He allowed this mountain in my life to teach me that He can move any mountain that comes in the future. My hope and confidence are firmly in Him now. While accomplishing much in us while we waited upon the Lord to complete that which He called us to, I am confident He was doing a work in our kids hearts and lives. The fruit of that has yet to be revealed to us, but because we are assured in His sovereignty over the circumstances, we can trust Him in this.

It’s truly miraculous how He answered our prayers for our children while they waited to come home. The more we get to know them and can ask about their life in Congo, we are amazed at how God cared for them. Not to minimize the hardships they have faced, but God spared them from much and has tremendously blessed their transition into our family. Adopting older kids can be tough. Right before they came home, I was reading a book about the issues kids and parents can face and had to put it down because it was causing me to fear the “what if’s.” I knew it would be a tough transition for us all, going from a family with 2 kids to 5 in such a short time span, but I knew we would be facing unknown challenges stemming from the hurt and experiences our newest two family members had endured.

The first few days were surreal and overwhelming. We were all facing so many emotions: Pure shock, joy, and thankfulness that they were finally home, mixed with uncertainties on how we were going to survive, much less communicate, bond and teach our kids basic things like how to use toilet paper. Our kids have amazing personalities. They are fun, silly, full of joy and were obviously ecstatic to be home. 

But they still had just gone through a major life changing ordeal and were grieving their former life and friends. There were a lot of tears and some major tantrums along the way. Not knowing how to communicate, we just held them and let them cry. We tried to correct gently and discourage the little behavior that was not acceptable. Day by day, the tantrums became less frequent, the communication ability increased, and the bonds grew. For me, one child bonded instantly to me (we had spent time together on previous visits as well) and the other I had to seriously work for. Even in this, the Lord has taught me a lot. Earning their trust and seeing their walls come down so quickly has been priceless. 

We quickly learned to speak enough Lingala to communicate the basics and they were eager learners who picked up English amazingly fast. Reassuring them of our return anytime one of us needed to go somewhere, was a daily necessity. You could see the fear well up in their faces as soon as one of us began gathering our stuff to go. Twice, we had to leave them after visiting in Congo. While I know how hard it was for us, I can only imagine how they felt.

Each day was like a baby step of progress until we knew it, 2 months had passed and we were readying ourselves to make another big transition to move to India. Just a little over two months after being home and we were amazed at how well adjusted everyone was. It was hard to imagine life before we were all together. I know this was greatly in part to the Lord's grace and timing in allowing them to come home while we were still in the US. Having us both home all day every day, made the transition so much smoother. God is so good. His plans and ways are good. His mercies are new every morning. His grace is sufficient. I know these truths intimately and read them with a new affirmation that comes from deep within because He allowed me to walk through that dark valley. But never alone. He was always with me.

"Blogapy": Blog Therapy

After 11 months of not a single blog post, I am need of some serious blog therapy. This is the second night of four nights that my hubs is out of town. It's his first big trip away from us since we have been back in S. Asia and my first time alone with all 5 of my munchkins for days without family there to help me. We've been back in S. Asia for 6 weeks (minus two weeks in Thailand), moved to a new city, new house, and just now able to start striving for some sort of routine.

I find I am talking to myself a lot these days. Narrating the experiences I have as I go, wishing I could connect my brain to a blog post instantly. It helps me to process by imagining I'm telling someone else what happened. I find myself laughing over things that could just as easily make me cry. So I've decided that it's not just enough to do it in my head. Others should have the joy of laughing with me, or at me, in many cases. 

Coming back to S. Asia, after a 7 month stay in the States, has given me new eyes and a fresh perspective. We kind of have an ideal situation because we have the experience of our previous 3 years in India and all the familiarity with culture that comes with experience, yet we have a fresh start in a new city, new team of coworkers, and really, a whole new family. 

We left S. Asia as a family of four, not knowing what the future would hold for us, but trusting God with all the uncertainties lying ahead. We've returned, somewhat miraculously, as a family of 7! We are all changed, and all experiencing more adjustments than we even realize. I am grateful for the fresh start in a new place. And I am amazed at my own change in attitude towards S. Asia and living here. When I look back at the emotions I had during those first couple years here, I am thankful I am not experiencing all those culture shock moments now. I get to have the newness and excitement, without the shock and awe of being totally 'green' to life here. Finally, I'm having my 'honeymoon' experience with the culture and living here.This change in attitude has also helped me to laugh at situations that are actually quite stressful. I hope that response continues as it's so much more enjoyable than crying!

After being back in the US, I also realize that my everyday situations and experiences are very different than my life in the US. And people actually want to know what it's like to live here, day in and day out.  I hope to do a better job of sharing with others as things are fresh on my mind. So, big and small, humorous or horrifying, I am gonna share it all and hopefully find some therapy for myself along the way.

PS-a LOT has happened in this past nearly one year of 'blog neglect' (spent 7 months in America, had a baby, added two more kiddos to our crew, traveled a ton) and I do plan to fill in the gaps. It just might be a bit sporadic and random as I don't want to put off sharing things that are fresh on my mind for chronology's sake. I am still processing all that the Lord has done this past year and will write about it as I go.

OK, one quick funny story before I sign off and try to sleep a little in prep for another day of hearing "mom, mom, mom" 2,000 times...

A few days ago, I was home alone all day with the kiddos. Now, imagine my newly "settled" house (as in, I have the clean underwear in separate piles from the dirty AND I have what I need to serve my kids waffles and hard boiled eggs for nearly every meal)...It's mid morning, which means I am still in my pj's and glasses, looking amazing, while up in my room nursing Deacon. While nursing Deacon, I am also listening to two of my kids, who are on my bed, asking me to read a book to them, AND trying to correct and discipline (haha) my oldest son for doing something mean and awful. (For some reason he saw me weak at that moment and chose to resist his assigned 'time-out in your bed' instructions. He's a bright kid.) Then I get a phone call from my hubs, telling me that a pastor friend of his, whom I have yet to meet, is at our door, knocking, with his wife, and that I need to go answer the door. Yeah...good timing, or what? So I ever so graciously thanked my husband for this awesome news at this awesome timing (or some similar response), and made my way down stairs.  I may have had to stay up a moment or two longer to check my attitude, pop a vein back into my forehead, wipe my sweaty brow and find a smile to put on my face. Despite not having anything but two rickety wooden chairs I bought at a junk market for them to sit on (and me on the floor), we had a really good impromptu visit (S. Asian norm) complete with chai (as a good S. Asian host I forced them to have), bananas, and biscuits (which I stuffed my face with as soon as they left.) After all, I was repeatedly scolded for not eating enough and looking too weak to take care of 5 children.

Not really sure what spiritual application I drew from this but I did learn some practical lessons. 1) People will drive two hours to see you without giving advance notice, so always be home and ready! 2) Get into decent clothes before 10 in the morning and at least brush your teeth. 3) Children have in an innate sense of when you're going to be asked to give another adult attention and when that sense is triggered, they will all fight for your attention and choose that time to disregard everything you say. 4) Don't even pretend to act like you have everything together, because it's obvious to everyone within earshot and eyesight that you are a sweaty mess, look like a bum in your pj's at 10am, and your children think you're a push over. (But your sweet baby adores you, so just enjoy it while it lasts and he's too sweet to disobey!)