Klein Family Blog: April 2016

It is so hard to believe we have hit the one year mark of Jeremiah and Tirzah being home. It's gone by extremely fast, but at the same time, we have lived SO much life together that it's hard to imagine life before. Even harder still to remember life with only two kids! Wow, has a lot changed!

Before they came home, I remember reading a well known blogger's recap of their first year as adoptive parents. She said it was the greatest, yet hardest year of her life. I remember thinking "really?" it can't be that hard! Well Oh boy, am I feeling sheepish now. I empathize her now and claim her phrase as my own. We have had so many victories and so many failures this year. But through the beauty and the pain, I can honestly say it was ALL for our good. I know the Lord is refining us all through being a family together. Jeremiah and Tirzah's adoption into this family has forever changed each one of us and the Lord is using us to form us into who He wants us to be.

Of the things I know now, that I didn't know then, this is the most important. Well two things actually, that work together...#1) Adopting Jeremiah and Tirzah was not only for their good and our pleasure, but for our good and HIS pleasure! and #2) Adoption is NOT a one time act of ministry. Just like parenting our natural born children, it is a day in and day out ministry to a child that GOD loves. Sadly, I've learned these amazingly impactfull lessons the hard way. Through a lot of ugly face offs with my own selfish nature and many days of sacrifice (begrudgingly at times).

I look at my two happy, healthy, vibrant Congo Kids and I barely recognize them from the videos of their first days home. They are two very different kids now. (Praise God, for the better!) While I know they had good care in Congo, there is nothing else that can top a child's need for a loving family. Birth culture is NOT more important. I cringe now when I hear that argument. Anyone who believes that has never seen a child's transformation after joining a loving family. The security of unconditional love, enables their personalities to blossom and their true God-given nature to unfold before your very eyes.

I often grieve the time we lost with them. Not only the two years we waited between our first visit to Congo and their homecoming, but also the early years of their life that we didn't have the privilege of being apart of. We didn't get to see their personalities slowly emerge in their infancy. How I wish I could have held them and bonded with them from the very beginning! But that is not our story. And while it's not what I would choose, I have to trust God's providence in choosing it to be this way.

Adopting an older child has it's unique challenges. They come to your family with history and a past that has shaped their worldview. (Often including major language barriers!) Some of which needs healing and reprogramming (behaviorally). Creating a new 'reality' for them is not easy or quick. I can look back at the past year and see major mile stones in our progress. Even as recent as this past week! One thing I wish I had more fully understood was that 'attachment' isn't a single event that you're working towards. You don't just wake up one day and everyone is attached in a healthy way. It's a slow hike with plateaus and steep peaks to climb. There are days when you think you've 'arrived' and days when you despair that you just took 20 steps backwards!

I desire to recount our experience up to this point for several reasons. First, for my own sake, to reminisce later on down the road and again praise His name for all He has done. Second, for Jeremiah and Tirzah's sake, that they may one day be able to see their story through our eyes. Third, for all my kids, who presently claim they all want to adopt kids into their family one day (I don't want to be that absent minded grandparent who makes everything sound so rosie and easy!) Fourth, for my friends who are in the process of, wanting to, or already have adopted. This is a journey best shared with others. Being able to celebrate the victories and empathize through the challenges with one another is the best encouragement and support we can give others as they fulfill God's calling to adopt.

What I would do differently:

I would give myself more grace. I would have reminded myself daily that we added 3 kids to our family in 4 months and that is HUGE! It's not something you can or should just adjust to in a matter of months. I'm only recently fully accepting this and embracing the notion that I should expect it to take as many years to adjust, as Jeremiah and Tirzah lived apart from us (3-4 years).

I would give my kids more grace, particularly Jeremiah and Tirzah and my expectations of what I think they should understand as right or wrong. Just because they can communicate it back with you, doesn't mean they know it yet. They still default to their former "reality" and survivor skills at times and I wish I would have been more in tune with this and not seen their behavior problems as just disobedience. Again, this one I only recently coming to grips with as well.

I would have cared less about how others thought we were doing. I just didn't need that extra artificial stress in my life. There was enough real stress as it is.

I am not sure how I would have done it (given our life circumstances living overseas and in a new city), but I would have made date night a regular concrete-fixed event in our schedule. It's just SO important for the WHOLE family!

What I think we did do well (only by God's grace and gifts of wisdom):

While I would change the things listed above, I wouldn't change any of the major circumstances we had this year, even though several would be considered big "no, no's" according to the adoption books. Like, taking them for a bazillion blood draws, vaccines, dental checks, and having surgery within the first two months home. OR, just as they are adjusting to life in America, uprooting them and moving to yet another foreign country after only 2 months home. (And communication is still a very real challenge!) It is ONLY by God's abundant grace that those big "no,no's" went so favorably and didn't seem to harm their adjustment period. And maybe even because of it, they are very typical TCK's (third culture kids) in that they make friends easily, are adventurous, and easily adaptable! But seriously, what were we thinking?!?!?!

A real gift in our circumstances of their arrival home, was the two months we had in the US before heading back to India. We had the unique blessing of having both parents home with all the kids, everyday! That was truly paramount in ability to bond as a family. When those two months were up and we left for India, we were all in a really good place. Jeremiah and Tirzah had learned SO much English in those two months. It put us to shame! They learned more English in 2 months than I did of Marathi in my first 3 years in India. Again, by God's abundant grace!

Even when it's been really tough to do so, we've always tried to make things as fair and equal as possible, between our big four. With everything...treats, toys, privileges, responsibilities around the house (again, we do account for age and ability). But the consistency has positively effected sibling relationships and in effect, made life easier on us as parents. We are a big family. So we totally play up the "team Klein" analogy and everybody is a member with responsibilities and roles to play.

I love the relationship our kids have with one another. While there are some conflicting personalities (two are too much alike ;) they all have unique bonds with one another and are each other's best buddies. I am so grateful for this and pray they remain close their whole lives! They are all very good at caring for Deacon and he adores them all. Deacon is never short on attention and affection!

Here are a few highlights of our first year together. Through the pictures, you can see how much they have all grown and their personalities have blossomed, but especially Jeremiah and Tirzah. They are in descending-ish order (most recent, to older).

Celebrating their first holi in India, March 2016

Domestication of adoption completed in March 2016! Just had to include this one because it's pretty awesome!

First Snow experience and cousin fun in Dubai, January 2016.

First Christmas together started a new tradition of acting out the Christmas story. All we need is some livestock which could be easily arranged next year :)