Cows & Confusion

Although I doubt this is where the real credit goes, I give this photo credit to the blog I found it on. This is a funny blog post about driving in India and is worth a quick read for a few laughs. 

Funny story time:

Listening to a sermon recently, I had a comical miscommunication. The man was preaching in English and his sermon was being translated into Hindi, which was especially painful to listen to on this day, because he wasn't giving the translator enough time to speak before he continued on. It’s like watching a verbal ping pong match. I hit a point of real misunderstanding and got totally lost.  I kept hearing him say something to the effect of  “is your life full of cows and confusion?” “everywhere you look, is there cows and confusion?” I responded in my mind “yes, I see cows and confusion everywhere, but where are you going with this?”  I finally leaned over to Kit for clarification and he explained that he was actually asking if we see 'CHAOS and confusion' in our life. "Oh! Yes, to that too!" I replied. Both literally and figuratively, I see cows, choas, and confusion all the day long (even in church).

Speaking of chaos...

It's the end of  'one of those weeks' that just couldn't end soon enough. The kind that offered daily encounters and situations pushing me to either laughter or tears. Most days I was able to laugh things off, or at least hold in the tears and suppress the full extent of my frustrations in front of my kids. But in all honesty, it was only by the grace of God that I was able to juggle my load and live to talk about it. It was the kind of week when I could have used an espresso IV rather than the 2 cups of blah coffee, reheated 10 times over. 

It went something like this: my husband was gone most of the week, we had someone staying with us (someone who does not speak the same language as me and who was under the weather),  I had to manage taking two of my kiddos to/from school each day, homeschooling the older two while out and about (because it's too far to drive back home), AND care for my nine month old (who is ready to take on the world of mobility). On top of the daily responsibilities, we had Dr. visits, an embarrassing incident of running out of gas on the highway (on a day when the heat index was 109 degrees), a nearly completely flat tire, a massive rat invading my pantry every night (leaving presents for me to clean up in the morning) and to top it all off, my super sweet and docile baby is cutting another tooth, which means lots of abnormal screaming and difficulty sleeping. And for some reason, all five kiddos and my guest were hungry every few hours. 

YET, we survived! As much as I hate feeling like I am still in survival mode-- learning to be a mom to five kiddos, managing my home and kids when my husband travels (it used to be SO much easier!) and living as an expat in a culture vastly different from my own--- it's true...we just aren't 'there' yet. I am learning a whole new kind of contentment. Not to be confused with complacency, which would not hold fast to a vision for a day when we can 'thrive' again. True contentment recognizes the circumstances the Lord has given me, in light of the liberties and limitations accompanied by those circumstances, and the dependency on the Lord that is necessary to press on. Accepting that the load He has given me to carry is not more than I can bare, with His help. 

I may have had a mild pity party over the fact that we are not yet 'thriving' after being 'back' in S. Asia for 4 months already. I mean 'come on! when will I get our act together?' But my sweet husband, who was thankfully not in the same place of discouragement as me, reminded me of the truth which I can so easily forget in the nitty gritty of 'today'. He said, "It's for your sanctification and God's glory!" Ok, I can easily receive the sanctification bit, as I know it's only when we are pressed hat we have the opportunity to have our character refined...but for God's glory? How could a rat in my pantry be for His glory? How can drowning in housework, drenched in sweat, relationship challenges, or unproductive homeschool outings be for HIS glory? Honestly, this week felt like a whole lot of failures, with not many wins to speak of. I don't share this to belly-ache, but to be real. My life is not all glowing grins and breezy rickshaw rides that are shown on Instagram. (Although my kids do have beautiful smiles and rickshaws are way better than gas-less cars turned sauna:)

So where's the glory? While I don't have all the answers, here are a few He has shown me in the midst of all the Chaos this week. His glory is found in the thankful hearts of myself and my kids, as we pass shoeless kids selling balloons on the street while driving to school each day. We thanked him for the privilege and blessing that we get to go to school and we get to homeschool. We praised Him for sending a rickshaw to our aid, just as the car was starting to get unbearably hot on the side of the road. For dear friends who would drop whatever they are doing to bring us gasoline (or fix a flat), help watch our kids, and even bring us water and snacks. I got to point out how God was being our refuge and strength, our ever present help in times of trouble (a song we have been singing recently) when He helped us get to the ATM, the gas station, and a tire repair spot with a very flat tire and a near empty tank. I got to hear my son pray for his dad to do his work this week by God's power not by his own, just as Moses did. I had several opportunities to confess my sin and selfishness to my kids and ask for forgiveness. IF those are the only ways He was glorified during this tough week, then it was worth it. My kids getting to see that scripture is relevant, that God is enough, that He is good, that we can and should always turn to Him in times of trouble and times of blessing...it makes all the sweat, the rat size holes in my pantry food, the disappointments, the stress and fatigue worth it. I hope and pray that in the midst of whatever circumstances you face today your heart with yield to his sanctifying works, and your eyes will be open to see His glory revealed. 

Do You Believe in Miracles?

I have always claimed to, but in my heart I often doubted that they still exist today. I could accept that God healed people of their illnesses but assumed He usually did that through modern medicine. I had a lot to learn on the subject and still do. The more I walk with the Lord, the more I realize how much I have to learn. If Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, then I need to draw more closely to Him to have these things revealed to me more fully. To our displeasure, the path to closeness with the Lord is often found deep in arduous valley. It’s never an easy road, yet that is the very reason we are forced to step out of the trivial concerns of our day to day life and into matters of eternity. It’s there that we find total dependence on the one who is able to meet our deepest desires, comfort our hurts, and while doing so, give us a glimpse of His glory. It’s that ‘hope of glory’ that keeps us pressing on, choosing day in and day out to trust Him and trust that His plans for us are good. And when the valley is longer and deeper than we imagined it would be, he gives us little glimpses along the way to give us the endurance we need to press on.

Those little glimpses and reassurances of His love for us and His power are what kept me going during the last three years of adopting Jeremiah and Tirzah into our family. The hope He gave me did not disappoint (Rom. 5:5). 5 months after their arrival home, I am still in awe of His goodness and the miracles He did to get them home. I could list out a ton of miracles He performed throughout this process- some seemingly small, some big- and I am not even aware of them all. He gave us knowledge of some of them so we could see how He does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. He gave us just what  we needed so we could keep pressing on in those dark hours when all hope seemed lost. When we were at our darkest hours, He spoke clearly to us through the word, through a friend’s prayers over us, through seemingly coincidental connections with people that turned out to be providential. The Spirit of God reached down to us and met our deepest needs, while teaching us to walk in faith and trust.

If I had my prayers answered right away and things had worked out in my timing, I would not know to the fullness that I know now, the peace that comes from walking by faith and not by sight. I would not yet have the confidence I have in my God who is able to do far more abundantly all that I can imagine. He allowed this mountain in my life to teach me that He can move any mountain that comes in the future. My hope and confidence are firmly in Him now. While accomplishing much in us while we waited upon the Lord to complete that which He called us to, I am confident He was doing a work in our kids hearts and lives. The fruit of that has yet to be revealed to us, but because we are assured in His sovereignty over the circumstances, we can trust Him in this.

It’s truly miraculous how He answered our prayers for our children while they waited to come home. The more we get to know them and can ask about their life in Congo, we are amazed at how God cared for them. Not to minimize the hardships they have faced, but God spared them from much and has tremendously blessed their transition into our family. Adopting older kids can be tough. Right before they came home, I was reading a book about the issues kids and parents can face and had to put it down because it was causing me to fear the “what if’s.” I knew it would be a tough transition for us all, going from a family with 2 kids to 5 in such a short time span, but I knew we would be facing unknown challenges stemming from the hurt and experiences our newest two family members had endured.

The first few days were surreal and overwhelming. We were all facing so many emotions: Pure shock, joy, and thankfulness that they were finally home, mixed with uncertainties on how we were going to survive, much less communicate, bond and teach our kids basic things like how to use toilet paper. Our kids have amazing personalities. They are fun, silly, full of joy and were obviously ecstatic to be home. 

But they still had just gone through a major life changing ordeal and were grieving their former life and friends. There were a lot of tears and some major tantrums along the way. Not knowing how to communicate, we just held them and let them cry. We tried to correct gently and discourage the little behavior that was not acceptable. Day by day, the tantrums became less frequent, the communication ability increased, and the bonds grew. For me, one child bonded instantly to me (we had spent time together on previous visits as well) and the other I had to seriously work for. Even in this, the Lord has taught me a lot. Earning their trust and seeing their walls come down so quickly has been priceless. 

We quickly learned to speak enough Lingala to communicate the basics and they were eager learners who picked up English amazingly fast. Reassuring them of our return anytime one of us needed to go somewhere, was a daily necessity. You could see the fear well up in their faces as soon as one of us began gathering our stuff to go. Twice, we had to leave them after visiting in Congo. While I know how hard it was for us, I can only imagine how they felt.

Each day was like a baby step of progress until we knew it, 2 months had passed and we were readying ourselves to make another big transition to move to India. Just a little over two months after being home and we were amazed at how well adjusted everyone was. It was hard to imagine life before we were all together. I know this was greatly in part to the Lord's grace and timing in allowing them to come home while we were still in the US. Having us both home all day every day, made the transition so much smoother. God is so good. His plans and ways are good. His mercies are new every morning. His grace is sufficient. I know these truths intimately and read them with a new affirmation that comes from deep within because He allowed me to walk through that dark valley. But never alone. He was always with me.

Clinging to Hope

Since my last post about our adoption, not much has seemed to change. We finally received the Act of Adoption we'd been waiting for, with all the corrections made, but we are still waiting to submit our i600 because our agency has recommended we get a few more documents first. Hopefully this will make the actually processing and approval of our i600 easier and faster, once we submit it. From acceptance of our i600, we enter the investigation phase so that we can then apply for their US visas.

Not much seems to be happening in the way of the DGM suspension either. Looks like September will be the earliest they begin issuing exit letters for adopted kids again; but just this last week, they did issue some of the ones they announced they would last October. So some movement is more encouraging than none. They are taking their time during this suspension to re-evaluate their adoption laws and the enforcement of those laws. I think many are nervous about the possible changes that could come out of this and to whom they will apply the changes to.

All this to say, not much has changed, but there has been a LOT going on in my heart throughout this seemingly bleak time. I say it's bleak, because at this point (after 2 years + of being in process) we don't have any certainty when or if our kids will be allowed to come home. This long period of uncertainty (since last October) has weighed heavily on me and especially lately as I've been feeling pretty hopeless, discouraged, and fearful of what is or isn't to come.

But I praise God in the midst of this! He is so good! When I am at my most discouraged place, He has gone great lengths to clearly speak truth to me, encourage me through sisters in Christ, and to just make me feel so loved by Him that He would keep telling me the same truth over and over again to build up my hope again.

Just when I was at my most discouraged place, I went to a women's retreat that some incredibly generous and loving women from a church in Arkansas put on for my coworkers and I. I didn't know how badly I needed it and how badly I needed to hear from Him what was planned to be spoken that week. (The speaker had prepared it far in advance). The  whole theme was being still and waiting upon the Lord in the midst of our storms, our times of uncertainty, and letting Him fight for us. My sweet friends and coworkers prayed over me and spoke words of truth to me that were like water to my soul. Sometimes, when I am in the midst of something so big, it gets really lonely. To see my friends carry some of the burden on my heart, yet who were so confident in the Hope we have that our God is bigger than this mess--helped me see past the mountain and cling to the Hope of what He is going to do to make this all right.

Even today, as I listened to my current bible study lesson (Living Beyond Yourself, by Beth Moore) I was reminded to keep pursuing the task He's given us and to leave the rest up to Him. And that the Lord will guide us through this thing, as scary and unknown as it is. (Isaiah 58) And through a sermon on the Battle of Jericho I was reminded that when we look at the 'walls' keeping us from the promise He has given us, our perspective gets off balance. We need to keep our eyes on Him and keep walking for as long as He tells us to, pressing on, knowing that the victory is His. And even though we don't see the progress in the midst of the pressing on, all at once, when He says so and in His way, the victory will come.

So that's where I'm at. Pressing on, one day at a time, and clinging to my hope! My hope is in the Lord and that He will finish what He started in this adoption. He has lead us every step of this journey and He won't stop now.

I am thankful for this renewed hope because even today, my four year old broke down in tears, asking when Jeremiah and Tirzah are coming home! He was just distraught, out of the blue, so I asked him what made him think of them coming home. He said he had a dream that they came home last night and asked "why is it taking such a long time? They have to take so many airplanes to come to our airport, It'll take, like, an hour!" I said "I think it will take longer than an hour, honey" and he said, "yeah it will take, like 255 days for them to come home!" While I hope it doesn't take 255 days for them to come home, I know that if it does, He will carry us through this. I am so grateful that I had just been encouraged so I could encourage his tender heart. My daily prayer through this is that the Lord encourages Jeremiah and Tirzah's hearts for me. That they have a remembrance of us and are clinging to the hope that they have a family who is yearning for them to come home. For us and all of our kids, that even in this tough time, God is doing something beautiful in our hearts and teaching us patience that clings to a Hope in God alone. And that through this whole adoption, He will be glorified in us and in the outcome of this journey.

I want to be thankful!

One of our favorite "kids" songs goes something like this: I want to be thankful, I want to be grateful, I want to remember everything that the Lord has done...


Every time I sing that with the kids I feel conviction in my heart. Am I really living thankfully, gratefully, and thinking on all the things the Lord has done in my life? I think one of the best ways for me to change my attitude from that of discontentment and complaints, is to think on all the things God has done in my life. Amazing things, big and small, none of which I ever deserved. It is so easy to forget what God has brought us through and how He's blessed us, if we're not intentional at recalling them and praising Him for it all again and again. Thinking on His goodness renews my faith in difficult circumstances and gives me a heart full of gratitude.

I was reminded of the need to be intentional in my thanksgiving today when one of our trainers said he can tell if a person is going to "make it" living abroad by what they talk about soon after they arrive. Are they complaining about all that they dont' have anymore, or constantly pointing out the things they don't like about their new culture? Or are they constantly showing their appreciation for the blessings God has given them, little and big? I want to be the latter. Not only b/c I want to "make it" in South Asia, but because I want to have my heart full of gratitude to my God who so deserves every praise I can muster. I want to be like the Apostle Paul and "learn to be content in all circumstances." I also just hate getting into the attitude of being a complainer. It weighs heavy on me and is like a cancer that grows and spreads to others. That's not what I want to grow and spread to others. I want the love and worship of God to grow and multiply. And I believe those are even more infectious.

So I'll start with sharing all that I'm grateful for in this particular season, in this particular place the Lord has me in. 1) I'm grateful that He's brought us to this point, ending training and soon to arrive in the place we know He's called us to. It's been 2 1/2 years of preparation for this and I'm so grateful He's allowed us to here and that He is true to His promises. 2) I'm grateful for all the investments that have been made in us over the last 5 months and all those that gave sacrificially to make it happen. 3) I'm grateful for a family that has supported us although doing so has required much sacrifice on their part, that they did not wish for. 4) I'm grateful for a husband who not only loves me when I'm at my best and worst, but who encourages me, challenges me, and helps me. He is the best partner in this adventure of life that I could ever ask for. 5) I'm so grateful for the two precious boys that God has blessed us with the privilege of parenting. They are not only one of our foremost means of God's sanctifying us, but fill our home and hearts with laughter, love, and joy! We understand God's love for His children more and more everyday and we hope to be blessed with more of our own. 6) I'm thankful for friends, near and far, who I can be transparent with. Who rejoice with me, cry with me, and encourage me. I have the pleasure of having quite a few godly women to look up to and be encouraged by their example. 7) And last (but not exhaustively so) I am so thankful for "seasons" of life. It gives you patience for the difficult elements of the present, something to look forward to and anticipate God's further work in your life, and closure to not be afraid to move on to the next thing. Our "next thing" will be quite an adventure I'm sure, but each season seems to be so in its own way.

South Asia...I hope we're ready for you! 2 more weeks and we'll be "home."

A Day of Thanks...

We had our first Thanksgiving (with the boys) away from family and were so blessed to have a group of like-minded friends to share my favorite holiday with. We had a relaxed day at home, cooking and playing with the boys, and then headed to nothing short of a feast with our American friends. The boys had a blast and were more concerned with playing their hearts out than eating the food (except the chocolate pilgrim hats).

We are so thankful for so many things: our friends here to walk this season with, our supportive and loving family back in the states, our precious boys whom we LOVE being mommy and daddy too, and our spouse for journeying this life together. But most of all, we are thankful for a loving God who has cleansed us from our sin, saved us from the mess we'd made of ourselves, offered us a new life in Christ, and given us a hope, a future, and purpose for living! I enjoy this holiday most because, to me, it's not about materialism, selfishness, or gifts, but about honoring the one whose the giver of all good gifts! AND because it is the perfect start to a season of celebrating the best gift of all, Jesus!

I lugged my camera through an hour of public transit but failed to take a single picture! Here's a few my friend was gracious enough to send me. (I failed to get one of Jackson...sorry Nana!)

Evidence of the only thing Hudson would eat...chocolate Pilgrim hats.

Best husband I could ever ask for!

He kept retreating to open spaces on the floor (even if it was the middle of the kitchen floor) to have some space to play by himself. I think all the action of the big kids scared him away.

Big Life Changes Coming SOON!

Life is about to get really crazy-busy and just plain crazy! We are soon going to start a 2-month travel period, then 2 months of training, and then we'll be moving to South Asia in October! I'm slowly starting to prepare by tackling the closets and sorting all our junk and treasures as we decide what goes, stays, and needs to be sold. It is pretty exciting for me because it means our time is getting close. We've been praying about this for so long and with all the emotional ups and downs, part of me is just ready to go. I hate goodbyes but at the same time I'm trying to savor our last days and moments at home with our loved ones so we leave with good memories and full hearts!

Our day to day life is drastically improving (from my viewpoint) this week. Hudson has FINALLY started sleeping all night without us having to go in multiple times to "re-plug" his paci b/c despite being almost one, he is somehow "unable" to do it himself. So this last weekend I was fed-up of being tired of being tired, frustrated by a failed attempt at potty training jackson, and just ready to be over these two big milestones for the kids and for me! So after refreshing myself with a much needed review of Baby Wise II, I was armed and ready to turn this house into baby/toddler bootcamp! Things have gone so well with it all. We took away Mr. Paci for good and Hudson is now sleeping all night and napping better. We haven't had long periods of crying himself to sleep either, just 5-10 minutes each. Jackson is on day 3 of "no diapers" and undies only and is doing really well. (plus he looks so cute in his big boy underwear!) Had a few accidents but has really gotten the idea of it and is enjoying the rewards for sure. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for brighter days without needed naps and changing 15-20 diapers! I see myself with more energy, patience, and time to play with the boys, read, and do anything else we want to do!

So life is looking on the up and up and I can't help but recognize it all as blessings from the Lord! I have been praying for all these things to happen for a while now and He is truly good in the big and small things. It amazes me He cares about the "little" things (like sleep) that are so huge to me. While I haven't been great at blogging, I think I'll have more "free time/energy" and more things blog-worthy to come in the next few months. This year is full of bitter-sweetness but God is good through it all and constantly reminding me of His unfailing love, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. What an awesome God we serve!

Radical

If you are a follower of Jesus, then I highly recommend reading Radical by David Platt. I just finished this book and am still processing the weight of the challenges he poses through scripture and how I am supposed to respond to them. David is the lead pastor of The Church at Brooke Hills in Burmingham, Alabama and a really inspiring, gospel-centered, and missional pastor. Kit and I have enjoyed listening to his pod casts for some time now, so when we heard he had a book out, we knew we had to read it. Kit is also leading a group of men from our church through the corresponding bible study (which I'm a little jealous it's just for men!). But I must give a word of warning: Don't read this book if you don't want to be challenged, if you don't care about truly being obedient to the commands of Christ, and if you're perfectly satisfied with living out the "christian version" of the American Dream. That being said, here is a short description of the book and a link to learn more. If you go to this website, you can sign up to read the first chapter for free and watch a video of Platt explaining the premise of the book.

http://www.radicalthebook.com/

"Do you believe that Jesus is worth abandoning everything for?"

In Radical, David Platt invites you to encounter what Jesus actually said about being his disciple, and then obey what you have heard. He challenges you to consider with an open heart how we have manipulated a God-centered gospel to fit our human-centered preferences. With passionate storytelling and convicting biblical analysis, Platt calls into question a host of comfortable notions that are common among Christ's followers today. Then he proposes a radical response: live the gospel in ways that are true, filled with promise, and ultimately world changing.

What part of the Gospel is optional?

It’s easy for American Christians to forget how Jesus said his followers would actually live, what their new lifestyle would actually look like. They would, he said, leave behind security, money, convenience, even family for him. They would abandon everything for the gospel. They would take up their crosses daily…

But who do you know who lives like that? Do you?

Called to Hope

This past Sunday Kit had the chance to fill in for our preacher, who had to go out of town. He spoke about "our call to hope" as Christians. I think we were all convicted of putting our hope in other things rather than in Jesus. He challenged us to have an "eternal perspective" on life, (rather than focusing on the temporary things of this world), to know the will of God through reading His word, and to view our sufferings as a blessing. I was must moved by the last point about the way we view sufferings and hardships. We automatically see our hardships as a bad thing and ask God to remove or fix them rather than rejoicing that we have an opportunity to depend on the Lord and to grow in our faith.

Romans 5:3-5 says, "...we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

I love the part that says "Hope does not disappoint." In another verse it says that 'our hope is Jesus Christ' and another that 'Jesus Christ does not disappoint'. That is truth! It is difficult when hard times come upon us to view it as an opportunity to build perseverance, character, and strengthen our hope. But that is my prayer for myself and my family. Because hard times are certain to come. I want to be able to look back at all the hard times in my life and see how God has helped me to persevere, has strengthened my character, and given me hope.

He gave a perfect example or our misconceptions on suffering. He said that when we hear of believers undergoing persecution, we pray that God would free them from it, disregarding the possibility that it might be God's will that they go through this persecution. He quoted a persecuted Christian in Egypt who said something along the lines that "Christianity without persecution is like ready-made food, shallow and bland." I don't want my faith to be shallow, even if that means I endure hardships or persecution in order to produce perseverance, character, and hope.

It is common for western Christians to hold the belief that following Christ will make your life easy and blessed. (Which is very un-biblical considering what Christ and His apostles went through). While it does give you a blessed life, that doesn't usually equal 'worldly' blessings. I was very guilty of holding this belief until I lost my mom. Undergoing that grief and all the questioning of my faith brought about perseverance, character, and greater hope in Christ for subsequent hardships. Although I miss my mom tremendously, the growth I've had in my relationship with the Lord because of her death, is priceless to me. I'm so grateful that He allows hard times to come upon us and even more grateful that He turns those hardships into life-transforming opportunities.

I'll end this with another quote from two Egyptian converts from Islam to Christianity who have undergone much hardship and persecution. " The first lesson we were taught is how to count the cost. In Egypt, our theology isthe theology of pain. It is not a theology of prosperity. We don't know the theology of prosperity, but we know Jesus." I'd rather know Jesus than the "theology of prosperity."

One year later...

I am obviously a horrible blogger because it has been over a year since my last blog! In the past year, we've enjoyed being back home in New Mexico but God has been growing the desire in our hearts to go back overseas to serve Him. Through lots of prayer and studying His Word, we know without a doubt that He is calling us to serve Him in this way and we are so excited! It is wonderful to finally know what our purpose is and what His plans for us are (at least in terms of a career). Considering this has been much different than last time, particularly because we have two small boys to consider. And while taking them away from family is extremely difficult, we know that God will be faithful to us and bless our obedience. Obedience doesn't come without sacrifice; Jesus is the perfect picture of that. He calls us to pick up our cross daily and follow Him. We're grateful that while sad, most of our family is supportive and understanding of our convictions. Without their support, it would make this much harder.

So now, we're just praying He shows us exactly "where" to go and to what people group. Please pray for us, that we'll hear His voice and that our desires will be what He has for us and not what "sounds" best to us.

I need to blog more often not only to update on what we're doing, but as some "mom-therapy" for me. A way to share and record my joys of being a stay-at-home mom. So that is my mid-year resolution. Even if no one reads it, it is good for me to examine and "download" (or upload) my thoughts. It is also beneficial to write so I can keep my adult language skills up to par. Playing with a 2 year year old all day and communicating on his level is rapidly depreciating my vocabulary. So here's to mid-year resolutions and halting degenerative brain-loss!